Faith/Trust vs. Feelings

"Let your faith be bigger than your fear."
(photo credit to Vita Catturati Photography) 

Back in March a couple of sweet friends encouraged me to go with them to a women's retreat that our church was going to.  We decided to make it a day trip rather then go the whole weekend since it worked better in all of our schedules. The title of one breakout session "Trust vs. Feelings" is what caught my attention first, my love for adventure was what sealed the deal since the description read ropes course.  Like the amazing friends they are they went along with my grand idea to try this session despite it being one of the last things that was on one of their bucket lists and me not exactly wearing the most appropriate shoes for doing the activity.  This title couldn't have been more perfect as we had been praying about what we could see in our future regarding our family.  When thinking of the idea of expanding our family more my heart immediately started pounding and I'd get that kicked in the gut feeling as emotions ran rapidly through me.  Talk about an emotional battle taking place internally. As we listened to the speaker before we strapped on our safety gear and the rope with the clip that ideally would catch you if you fell off, my heart started pounding more since I knew exactly what this represented.  Would I ever be able to put these fearful feelings aside in order to trust what both of us knew was in our heart and most importantly trust God again with a precious new life? God was like that clip and rope.  I didn't like the idea of me not tying the knots myself  and having to trust someone else's work which made me not have complete control over it any more than I liked the thought of having to trust God with bringing another precious little life into our family. Walking on the tight ropes with sweaty palms, heart racing, and a lump in my throat made me realize how much I was holding on to that need for control in my life and over the safety of our other two kids.  Therefore it also made me realize how much I needed to let go of it.  The ropes course was much more intense then I thought it would be but that really wasn't the reason for those physical symptoms.  I needed to let go.  I was able to completely trust God with Ezra's life while he was here with us but because it didn't turn out as we had hoped I have struggled with so many feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, and fear.  Fear that if I dare to trust again it won't turn out in my selfish favor.  Fear of disappointment. Fear of loss and pain. Fear of going through more major refinement. And then these two friends and their families who walked so graciously hand in hand with us, strangers they barely knew just months before, gently reminded us what God gave us through Ezra. Too many things to list honestly.  But the real question was "Would you do it again even knowing the outcome?" The question is so simple and easy for me to answer. Yes. Yes, we would in a heartbeat.  This is a question we've talked about about so many times and have no doubt. As crazy as it sounds we have lost so much in losing our baby Ezra, but we have gained so much that would not have happened if it wasn't for the loss.  By no means am I saying I wish that Ezra wouldn't still be with us here.  I've had, and still have, many angry moments when I want to throw myself down facedown, kicking and screaming like a 3 year old because I didn't get my way.  But that doesn't change the reality of how much good has come out of bad.  So with that realization, medical consulting, and much prayer we are excited to announce that a precious new life is growing in the Wilde family.  Baby Wilde #4 is due to arrive February 9th!  

Fast forward...Last week Jeff & I drove to the twin cities for our 20 week ultrasound and perinatologist appointment. As we pulled up the heart wrenching, gut twisting, hands shaking, and all too familiar feelings quickly came to surface as we had experienced time after time going to the perinatologist appointments with Ezra.  But as we were leaving we had a spark of excitement and small sense of relief.  As abnormal as it was to us to see after the numerous ultrasounds we had of Ezra, it appears as of now that this precious baby also has a cute little button nose and the organs, structural, and skeletal features do not have any abnormalities that we can see at this time.  We also have the normal amount of amniotic fluid present.  We are incredibly happy to hear the news but I think both of us will always have a reserve and certain amount of hesitation.  Knowing how quickly and easily things can change has taken away some of the innocence out of welcoming a baby into the world.  Yet, we have chosen not to let this fear steal away the excitement and joy of what an incredible blessing and addition this is for us and our family. This little one moved around continuously for the full 40+ minutes of the ultrasound as the tech had me move back and forth trying to get all of the pictures and videos she needed,  At the very end and after multiple attempts throughout the appointment she finally was able get the profile shot in a quick millisecond to show that sweet face.  We will have a follow-up appointment in a few weeks to have another ultrasound and appointment with the perinatologist at 25 weeks. 

Baby Wilde #4

**In the last month we have learned of what condition Ezra had through the genetics testing.  We will do another posting on that in a few days.  But in this post we want to concentrate on celebrating this new life. 

With much love,

Jeff & Nicole