Stopping to feel the Raindrops

We've had a little bit of a hectic month of life things happening and I haven't been able to write down my thoughts but now that things have slowed down again and we aren't filling out paperwork for other things I can put these thoughts back into writing.

About 3 weeks ago I was out running and took a bike path by the interstate close to our house.  Although it was nice to be on the bike path, the constant, chaotic loud noise of vehicles rushing near me matched the constant, chaotic, loud noise in my head of unwelcomed thoughts that then led to more tears which led me to turn around halfway from my destination point.  As I walked back up the hill feeling defeated I badly wanted to just go back home and try to muster through the emotional pain for the rest of the night (there's me wanting to take the stairs again instead of the escalator :)) but knowing at home there were two little ones that would lovingly want my attention I knew that I couldn't go back until I cleared some of these thoughts so I could not only physically but also emotionally be present for them and for Jeff.  So I reluctantly turned left instead to a neighborhood which is currently getting built.  When I reached the end of one of the roads that overlooked a valley I was thankful the noise of the interstate was gone but still frustrated that the noise and emotions just continued to jump around in my head which then led to questions.  Where are you God?  Why could we feel your blessings on us before and now feel like they just stopped?  The feelings of joy gone, feelings of being overlooked, forgotten, and forsaken are here, and feelings that this pain will never end are stronger then ever.  

At the end of the road I noticed a trail we've never went on that went down into the valley so I decided to jog down it and explore hoping the distraction would clear some of these thoughts. As I was going down I noticed a water puddle looked like it had rain drops hitting it so I concentrated on figuring out if it was starting to rain. Nope, didn't feel anything so I must have just been seeing things. I got to the bottom and turned around to come back up.  As I went by the water puddle again and then by another one it not only looked like it was sprinkling it was now a moderate rain despite the sun still shining.  Still I felt nothing.  I started to walk thinking I would feel it. Nope. I slowed my walk to barely moving.  Nope.  Hmm...that's strange.  Clearly it's raining pretty hard at this point and I have yet to feel one raindrop.  When I reached the top I stopped to take in the view of this

That was when I first felt one rain drop, then started feeling more and more. As I stood there a few thoughts came to my mind.  The first one was that I was so focused on the pain and caught up in trying to run away from these loud, chaotic feelings, emotions, and questions in my head that I was missing the fact that the blessings truly do continue to rain down on us and God's presence is always near.  No matter how hard I run from these things if I don't take time to just stop, enjoy, and reflect on the view right in front and around me I'll constantly miss out on feeling and seeing the joy and purposes of life pouring down around and on me. The second one was that feelings are just that-feelings.  Just because I don't always feel the blessings physically coming down doesn't mean that they don't continue to rain down around us.  In the same sense, just because I don't always feel God's presence doesn't mean that He isn't near and we surely are not forgotten about.  The third was the reason for not feeling these blessings may be one of two things.  First, it may be a type of blessing that we aren't going to feel at all unless we make a conscious effort to stop and recognize that it is a blessing and even then it might not feel like a blessing since it doesn't give me that warm fuzzy, happy feeling inside.  Secondly, was something we've experienced countless times with Ezra's journey and that is the fact that not all blessings feel good so in a way some are just in disguise. I was once again reminded of Laura Story's lyrics:

What if your blessings come through raindrops 

What if your healing comes through tears 

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise 

Since then when I start up the self-pity thought process this picture of that run quickly pops back in my mind and I try to just stop what I'm doing, reflect, and take a good look at the beauty and joy in life.  More often then not it takes more of an effort to not feel the raindrops of blessings and continue on the "woe is me" path then to quickly realize I am surrounded by blessings and feel them raining down on me, even when I don't feel them or they don't feel good.