Even if the healing doesn't come...

It's been a long time since we posted.  So many times things have come to mind to write about followed by emotions that didn't allow it, including the results of the genetic testing I said I would post.  Normally writing helps with putting the emotions together but not this month.  Instead it was a hard stop. This month has been hard and there's no way around it as much as we have tried.  Leading up to Ezra's birthday, after Ezra's birthday, Thanksgiving, and now.  We are so thankful for our families being willing to come up for distraction and support during this time and also for continuing to celebrate Ezra even though he's not with us here. We are also very grateful for so many other family members and friends who have reached out to us during this time and thought of us and remembered Ezra.  You all are amazing and the love we have felt from all over is truly heartwarming.  We are very grateful for you.  Even though sometimes it takes a while to get back to you there are no words that explain how uplifting and encouraging your words, prayers, and thoughts are during these hard and, in many instances, dark times. We have been emotionally, mentally, and therefore physically beaten down in unexplainable ways.  We've tried hard to subconsciously bury the emotions, forget the emotions, and ignore the emotions only to end up in a worse spot. Fighting off tears and sadness only led to building up the harsh emotions coming out in other ways.  Anger, irritability, and frustration has been full force, especially at God and each other.  And although those emotions aren't bad per se, when they come out in an undesirable and sinful way they aren't good either. Only until we realized how much there are underlying emotions that we were hiding and not letting them surface has this changed. Oddly enough it took our OB, a person who has only met us twice, to say the words "don't be afraid to allow yourself some slack and let yourself feel the emotions during this time, whatever they may be" when I was convinced something was seriously wrong (besides being on the anemic side) with uncharacteristically low energy and lack of motivation to realize maybe we aren't super humans and it truly is okay to allow these feelings to surface and play out rather then trying to lock them in a basement, close the door, and board it up.  Slowly those boards we have been nailing to the doorway of that basement for days and weeks to keep those emotions down under slowly started coming down and one by one we have allowed the emotions to come up the stairs, surface, and play out in a peaceful form rather then the harsh ways when we kept them trapped, banging at the door constantly.  Coming to an understanding and realization that even though we went through this once last winter and spring doesn't mean it's a one and done process.  I write this not to get sympathy but to know and say that so many people are or have went through this or another type of loss and you are not alone.  We were incredibly naive to just how hard the grieving process is months down the road and on anniversaries of special days and in our case the month that we had Ezra with us. Expectations that once we get through round one of the grieving process we would be at least mostly healed of the hurt and pain were completely unrealistic. We were wrong as triggers and raw emotions have spiked.  Even though God has graciously given us the strength that we need when we need it the hurt and pain are still very much there and very strong. The sleepless nights are full of memories as the same hours pass by now as last year at this time when I was calling Radys to get an update.  I instead now lay awake running through the updates and if there are things that could have been changed or missed even though very clearly there is not.

Just as writing hit a road block listening to our normal music stations has also been hard and not helpful, unlike last year at this time.  Even certain Christmas music has been hard as memories flood our mind as certain songs come on that we sang to and listened to with Ezra in the hours sitting at his side, holding his little hands, rubbing his small head with that cute, fuzzy, red tinged hair, and admiring how beautiful and perfect he was despite how broken his body was on the inside.  But Mikayla and Malachi's love of Christmas music has prevailed so it's now on daily. That's when this song came on "Even if" by Kutless that was such a great reminder that all these feelings of continued pain is normal.  I'm still really not sure the connection to it with Christmas music but I'm thankful for it's random playing on the Christmas pandora station right now so I paid attention to it.  Not only has it taken us time to realize we need to take the boards off the basement doorway we've also had to take the deadbolt off that basement door that locked up all the emotions, a deadbolt of expectations that we would be healed, to allow us to see God's goodness and love once again even though the loss of someone we hold so close to us,  love so incredibly much despite not being here with us very long in regards to days and months, and the pain is still there.  Coming from firsthand experience, putting aside our own ways, trusting, and allowing the Lord's ways has brought so much more joy and happiness even if the healing doesn't come. It has caused us to reflect on what we set our faith on, which is who God is not what the pain this broken world brings us. We are reminded that God is good  and how much He loves us.  So even if the healing doesn't come for us and never does we would go through it all again and are in the process of learning to embrace and use this brokenness in our hearts for the good as well instead of trying to fix it ourselves.

As selfish as we are in wishing and wanting that things would've been different we are giving so much thanks that the healing did and has come for Ezra on this day one year ago.  Happy Heavenly Birthday Ezra. We hope, just as your sister and brother does, that you got lots of cake and had lots of fun celebrating today. We love you!