February 2nd

(Mikayla insisted on having Ezra's bear we were given at Rady's after he passed away in all of our pictures :).) 

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

Tomorrow is February 2nd.  It's groundhog day and more importantly the day we welcome Baby Wilde #4 into this world.  We have a c-section planned for tomorrow afternoon.  The morning OR schedule was already full so we're trying to make the most of it and will enjoy dropping the kids off at school and spending a little extra time with them in the morning. Feelings, feelings, and more feelings.  Many people have asked what it's been like during this pregnancy.  The only way to describe it is that it's like we have a filing cabinet for each child, full of their needs with our emotions directed at those individual needs.  Ezra and this baby is no different.  Our filing cabinet with Ezra is full of emotions pointed specifically at him.  Our filing cabinet with Baby #4 is filled with a whole different set of emotions.  Welcoming this little one into the world did not increase or decrease the grief we have felt with Ezra.  Just as Ezra has not increased or decreased the joy and other various emotions we have felt with this baby.  But it has complicated things a little more then normal.  The worries, the anxiety, and the random thoughts are heavier and more prevalent.  Every aspect has been a little harder to say the least.  One of those being the method of delivery.  Along with all the other emotions we were struggling with in November and December came the decision of how to deliver baby #4.  Since Ezra was a c-section we had to decide whether to do a repeat c-section or VBAC.  Many women have to make this decision so we are not alone in this by any means.  However, the discussion for this needed to start taking place at an OB appointment the day after Ezra's first birthday.  Talk about feeling like a load of bricks was dumped on our heads.  We knew it was coming and we also knew it was necessary to talk about.  However, discussing the pros and cons of both made our hearts so much more heavier then they already were. Feeling like we were on a train that had no good escape route is the best way I can describe it.  To be honest we were all for the VBAC up until this point and didn't think too much about it.  But after weighing the pros and cons and going back and forth we chose to do a repeat c-section unless we would go into labor prior to 39 weeks.  I am what they consider an excellent and perfect candidate for a VBAC and the hospital we will be delivering in along with our OB and both perinatologists were extremely in favor of delivering this way.  But hearing the word "catastrophic" for both mom and baby in the very, very small percentage that happens to have uterine rupture was hard for both of us.  Yet, c-sections are no walk in the park either and also come with their own set of risks. All that to say that there really wasn't a right or wrong answer but we hope and pray that this will be the best answer for us.  One of the hardest parts is that with the c-section comes emotions mixed with Ezra's delivery of the unknown, a team of doctors there to prepare for the worse, and only getting to hear his squeaky cry two times before they whisked him off. Thinking that a healthy baby could be delivered this way is hard to grasp even though we are well aware of the many, many healthy babies that are.  It's hard when you have been in that 1% chance of things going wrong before to not think that you're doomed no matter what the statistics say.  Yet, that's where our faith is a must to be stronger then our fears.  When we allow the fears to take over it all goes down hill.  When we allow God to take control the peace comes.  Knowing there are still no guarantees but relying on past experiences to know that God will help us through no matter what the case. Still this is hard. Really hard. Hard to push out those negative emotions and focus on the happy. Again we are learning from having child like faith and watching the excitement that Mikayla and Malachi have for tomorrow is both heart warming and heart wrenching when the "what if's" creep their ugly heads in.  An example of this happened last Friday.  We went into the hospital to get some things checked out.  While there the baby's heart rate started reacting to how active he was and then would drop significantly which granted us a longer stay to be monitored.  Having the nurse and resident come in and explain why we were staying and asking if we've had an in depth ultrasound during this pregnancy to make sure we had enough amniotic fluid, if we had seen the baby practice breathing normal, and swallowing well was kind of an all joy zapper and anxiety producer despite all of our ultrasounds appearing to have no abnormalities during this pregnancy.  Needless to say the nurse walked out and immediate panic and tears flooded the room.  Thankfully Jeff was able to keep his emotions at bay, process the information he had, and truly not feel like this was a concern to calm the room again.  Even more grateful were we when a few hours later the OB doctor came in and agreed with Jeff and said she wasn't concerned but was wondering what kind of exercises this baby was doing inside the womb and sent us home.  Time and time again trusting in God has proven to be not taking the easy road but the best road. Again, thank you all for your continued prayers and support as we have gone down this journey.  You are all so deeply important to us and so much appreciated.