Hope

"How is Jeff doing? How are you doing?" Questions that all of a sudden bears so much more meaning now than it did two weeks ago.  It's no longer the normal passing by question with the easy response of  "Good, how about yourself?".  I appreciate the new meaning in the respect that it makes us stop, think, and evaluate in the new raw state we are in.  It also is coming from people who are willing to jump in the mud with us in this and are ready for any answer we give- it's not out of being polite but out of caring for us which means the world right now.  The answer seems to be changing and swinging like a pendulum between highs and lows. One thing we are learning is that we can't trust our feelings. One day, or even moment, it's like life is normal and the next it hits us like a ton of bricks and it's hard to breath or concentrate. Wednesday was the ton of bricks day. One by one it seemed to knock me further down. Thoughts racing through my mind and all the emotions surfacing. It started at 5 in the morning. What is going on right now? Where are these all coming from at one time? I quickly realized the wait for the chest x-ray final read was most likely what triggered it all. But I also realized the anxiety was coming from both anxiously wanting to know what they will find on January 3rd to anxiously dreading knowing the results on January 3rd.  Once the results are revealed to us it could be a relief or it could be the exact opposite. I found I am holding on to so much hope that there will be good news and at the same time I am scared out of my mind that once we know, the hope we had that there is good news may no longer exist. The sadness and fear that it brought to me of having that hope taken away from me brought me to the darkness. As I sat in the darkness the lyrics for "Cornerstone" started playing out in my mind:

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly trust in Jesus' name Christ alone, Cornerstone Weak made strong, in the Savior's love Through the storm He is Lord, Lord of All When darkness seems to hide His face I rest on His unchanging grace In every high and stormy gale My anchor holds within the veil

If you look up the word 'hope' there are two different meanings. 

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

2. a feeling of trust. 

I was so focused on the first definition of hope that I lost focus of where my true hope is in Christ alone.  I will continue to prayerfully hope for good news on January 3rd but I do so knowing no matter what is told to me that day all hope will not be gone. Our one true hope will still be with us through the storm, he is Lord, Lord of All. Thank you Lord for that never ending hope. And thank you for this Christmas Eve as we celebrate just that. 

Wishing you all a Christmas Eve filled with that one true hope and joy tonight. 





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