Running away the Pain

I went running for the first time again a couple weeks ago since Ezra's birth thinking it would be a good way to clear my mind but that wasn't the case.  With each stride came the nagging pain of the c-section pulling.  With each pain came the reminder of losing Ezra.  I was constantly humbled by the thought of how grossly out of shape I must look but have no baby in my stroller to even prove what has taken place the last several months of our lives as I ran by people.  Instead of thoughts leaving my mind as I ran they increased and I ended up not only with the physical pain but also a whole spaghetti mess of painful emotions by the end of it.  Fighting frustration that the run didn't clear my mind but instead set me up for a hard day of fighting the emotions and questions came the thought that running will be out of the books for a while so I don't have to deal with this every time. However, that was quickly followed up by the opposite effect of actually wanting to run more to overcome the struggle since there was such a good correlation of the physical and emotional pain, both which I want to go away.  Just as with every stride I feel the physical pain that needs to work it's way out while muscles and nerves realign, stretch, and contract we want our emotional pain to heal the same, slow and steady but working itself out as we go.  Physically, every day and every run will get better but there will also be some days that just won't feel good.  This is a good reminder for our emotions as well. We also know that just as the scar will never completely physically go away from the incision we will always have an emotional void and scar on our hearts for Ezra but we do need to move forward and allow that healing to happen even though it's painful.