Happy Due Date Ezra

Today is Ezra's due date. Mixed emotions fill the air while I tried to get our house back to normal and Jeff went back to work.  Knowing that last spring/summer we had looked at our December as welcoming a new little Wilde into our house and all the challenges and adjustments that come with having three kids now seems all like a dream that never happened.  Looking at Mikayla and Malachi's faces as they ate breakfast I couldn't help but flash forward of what Ezra might have looked like sitting there. His features were a perfect mix between the two of them- the nose, the eyes, the mouth, the chubby cheeks like Malachi, the fine features like Mikayla.  At first we couldn't see it but once we saw his full beautiful face last Monday it was very clear that he belonged to the Wilde clan even though the red hair threw us all off :). As Mikayla & Malachi giggle and dance together in their fairy and pirate costumes it pains me to know that Ezra never will be doing that with them even though we had dreamt of what it might look like numerous times.  Feelings of being mad and discouraged because things didn't go as we wanted fill me.  Then there's that unbearable pain that never seems to go completely away- just varies in degree moment to moment. Confusion as to why and how God would allow this indescribable pain be part of the plan. Feeling that this has to be wrong and a big mistake, a nightmare, because we know God is good but in no way does this feel good.  As we were talking through this pain and pulling our thoughts together it came into our conversation that God knows this pain too.  It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of Christmas and even if we remember that it's Jesus' Birthday we often forget why Jesus was born.  God sacrificed his one and only son for us and we can imagine that it hurt deeply.  We didn't sacrifice our son but now we know just a little bit of the pain that God must have felt making the decision to allow his son to die.  The pain of making that decision and watching it all play out is more real now that we have lived through making the decision to withdraw medical care for Ezra.  As heartache and tears streamed down our faces in those final moments as they took everything away while holding Ezra in our arms it was met by the most unexpected peaceful feeling moments later, part of the reason was knowing that letting go of our son was the best gift we could've given him to show him how much we love him even though it was painful.  God gave us that same gift.  Because of his love he allowed his son to die.  And it was painful.  But it was right and it was good.   So as we struggle through all these emotions and try to make sense of them all we will continue to remind ourselves that even if Ezra's life was to give us a greater understanding of God's love for us, his sacrifice for us, the pain that went with it, and to give us a greater hope then what's here on Earth, then not my will but thy will be done...even though it really, really hurts.